February 23, 2011


i received a question on my formspring account asking me to talk about adjustments in the first year of marriage.
i laughed when i read the question because i feel like all we do is adjust!

when we're single, adjusting is relatively easy. something happens, we get over it, we adjust, and we keep going. because it's just one person. it's not a selfish lifestyle, but it's individual. 
we go to school, clean our apartment, make dinner, exercise... for ourselves.
even when Chin and I were engaged, our lifestyle was still very much a single lifestyle.
if we had to study we'd say, "sorry i'll call you tomorrow."
if we wanted to go out with friends we'd say, "you can come too or i'll call you tomorrow."
i'm not sure if what i'm writing is making any sense.
all i'm saying, is that when you're single, you adjust for yourself. not for anyone else. because you don't need to.

i wasn't expecting to have to mold or change or adjust my life when i got married (oh how naive am i).
when you first get married, you go on your honeymoon and you think: this is bliss. marriage is always going to be complete bliss. no work, no fights, now that i'm married things will be forever perfect.
not. true.

marriage is fantastic, don't get me wrong.
my marriage is the best thing in my life and everyday i can't believe how lucky 
and happy i am.
unbelievably happy.

but it's hard work.

some things that chin and i have had to adjust to:
1. when we first got married, we had to adjust to all the little things that could have potentially driven us mad. living with someone is much different than dating someone, or being engaged even. you get to know their littlest tiniest quirks and what makes them tick. you get to know what can hurt your spouse the most, what words will hurt their feelings or make them cry. we had to learn those things about each other so we could also learn how not to hurt each other.

2. stress. before we were married, chin and i both knew how we acted when we got stressed. but when we first got married, we didn't know what it was like to deal with someone's ups and downs 24/7. i tried to learn how to help chin deal with stress and he learned how to help me laugh or smile when i was down. even if it was at 2 in the morning or in the middle of the afternoon. anytime, all the time.

3. just because you're married doesn't mean you get to spend all your time together. life is crazy, and marriage doesn't slow anything down. once school started last fall, it felt like i was competing with school work, house work, and being with chin. we tried and tried and tried to spend time together, but sometimes all you have in a day is sitting down for dinner or holding hands in bed at night. learning how to manage our time and realizing that we couldn't be together all the time was crucial to our well-being.

4. friends. being married young, almost none of my friends that i hung out with on a regular basis are married. it was a struggle finding married friends at first and still trying to keep up our friendships with our single friends. sometimes i felt left out of the "single world," and i would get down when we weren't being social all the time like i was used to. it takes time. i feel like i make friends pretty easily, but it's important that if you want married friends, that you make an effort to get to know people. sometimes that can be hard.

5. in-laws. i love my in-laws. they are fantastic and i think i have a good relationship with them. i can tell that they truly care about me and they have made a conscious effort to include me in their family. but it has still been a constant adjustment. every family does things differently and traditions and customs are never the same. sometimes personalities clash and i struggled a little bit. it's something i'm still working on.

those are the top five things that i can think of that had to be adjusted when we got married. i hope this helps someone.
happy wednesday! can you believe the weekend is almost here again?

1 comment:

Stephanie Faris said...

When I was in my 20s, we had tons of married friends, but then people started having kids and everyone grew apart. I'm hoping that changes once we get older!